


The Perks of Loving a Blind Idiot

by PaprikaFetus



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Karmanami was temporary so dont get ur hopes up too high and dont cry too much ;), M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, fucking angst everywhere omfg, i told u it was fucking lit with angst and shit hahaha, karma is one hell of a smooth ass mother fucking asshole, kayano is that one good friend that happens to be a pig who cant get fat, nagisa is a broken little shit, okuda... idfk ok, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 22:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7139834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaprikaFetus/pseuds/PaprikaFetus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nagisa met Karma multiple times--too many times to count at that. However, there were 5 instances where meeting Karma either hurt like a motherfucking bitch or caused him to feel like a giddy little teenage girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Perks of Loving a Blind Idiot

The first instance occurred when a bright red head of hair passed by him down the hallway. Nagisa couldn't miss the set of mercury-gold eyes that glowed even in the daylight. The strange student was breathtaking. Nagisa watched quietly from the side, as the student continued to walk down the hallway, overpowering every person he passed.

 

That was the first instance.

 

The second time Nagisa saw the bright ginger was when he was grabbing a drink from the vending machine. Behind him, he saw the same mercury-gold eyes and apple-red hair. This time, as the sun was setting, Nagisa could see clearly into the glowing orbs that screamed dominance. Nagisa stepped aside obediently out of intimidation. Still, he continued to watch the ginger’s movements in awe.

 

The ginger’s long, slender fingers peeled the straw off of a carton of strawberry milk. The ginger didn't look so scary anymore; in fact, he looked somewhat cute, like a child licking a lollipop. The ginger looked off into the distance of the mountains where class E was located. Nagisa’s eyes followed suit. The city was surely pretty in the quiet. When Nagisa turned his attention back to the ginger’s figure, his can of juice fell to the floor and its contents spilled out to create a sticky puddle on the ground.

 

Nagisa could feel the embarrassed blush powder on his cheeks, as he stared eye-to-eye with the stoic ginger. Nagisa’s eyes descended to the floor, thinking that it was over: his possible friendship with the mysterious ginger. During the time of deep mental self-torture, a subtle _clank_ came from the bottom of the vending machine. Nagisa’s eyes darted to the source of the sound. Nagisa’s hands scrambled to catch the flying can of juice. Without any words, the ginger turned around on his heels with his hands nestled in his pockets.

 

“T-thank you!” Nagisa called nervously from behind.

 

“If you want to stare, then at least be a little more discreet next time,” the ginger said back as he walked farther and farther away from Nagisa’s stance. Nagisa could feel his face flush.

 

“W-wait! What's your name?!”

 

“Karma.”

 

 _Karma_ , Nagisa tested in his head. “I'm Nagisa!”

 

The blush on Nagisa’s face darkened tenfold. Even if he did get caught, Nagisa didn't feel so bad anymore. At least, he was able to gain something: the name of his crush. And so, with a smile on his face, Nagisa walked through his prestigious school’s gates and onto the road home.

 

The next morning, Nagisa packed his lunch extra early, leaving the house without a word to his mother. She spent her night drinking and crying the night before; it wasn't a good sight to see. As he walked to school, he couldn't help but fantasize about his next meeting with Karma. He planned that they would run into the vending machine after school again or in the morning. Or, Nagisa would stop Karma in the hallway to talk to him. Both of his ideas were discarded when he realized how embarrassing the whole plot sounded.

 

Nagisa yawned in his walk, feeling the summer’s morning breeze brush against his baby skin. Kayano would normally join in on his walk, but she had texted him about missing school the night before. Nagisa was excited. He wanted to see Karma; he couldn’t wait; he nearly moaned in impatience. _Almost to the school gates. Just a little more_ …

 

“Nagisa-kun!” Kayano called from behind him. Nagisa whipped around, confused as to why Kayano was at school when she clearly said that she wouldn't be coming. “My doctor’s appointment was cancelled.”

 

“Ah…” Nagisa chuckled nervously. A flash of red hair walked past Nagisa's turned back. “Why did you need to go to the doctor again?”

 

“Just a regular checkup.”

 

“I see,” nodded his head. He could feel the sweat forming on his skin. “Hey Kayano-chan? C-can we go to our classroom now?”

 

“Why so early? Can you stop with the stuttering, though?”

 

 _Because I have someone that I need to see._ “B-because I want to p-put my bag down.”

 

“Well we can just sit here-”

 

“See you at homeroom!” Nagisa sprinted to his classroom. In Kunugigaoka Junior High School, Nagisa was placed in the Class D category. One more mistake in his studies and he could be sent to the End Class. Nagisa walked into his classroom, bowing his head politely to his peers. He never held anyone close besides Kayano. When Nagisa put down his belongings, he checked the clock and jumped. He was going to miss Karma.

 

Walking out into the hall with relative ease, Nagisa sighed and waited by the window. He waited there. Karma never passed. Nagisa Shiota’s brain was fried. Internally, he was a mess: he argued that he was late or that Karma wasn't at school today. It didn't matter. No matter how annoyed he was, Nagisa smiled and promised that he wouldn't screw up tomorrow.

 

The class finally settled in.

 

“Good morning. Class president, rise.”

 

“Good morning Takashima Sensei,” the whole class chorused.

 

“We have a student switching into Class D. Akabane-kun, come in.”

 

Nagisa stared apathetically out the window. Every year, at least a handful of students would wind up being demoted into a lesser class.

 

“Good morning, everyone,” the student spoke. Nagisa’s ears perked. _That voice_ . “I'm Karma Akabane. Let's have a _fun_ year together.”

 

Nagisa slowly turned his head to the speaker. His eyes widened and the sparkles in his azul orbs jittered.

 

“Akabane-kun, why don't you sit up here by Okuda-san?” Takashima Sensei suggested.

 

“No, I'll sit in the back,” Karma arrived at a desk all the way in the back. With one look, the kid scrambled out of his seat for Karma to sit down. Takashima Sensei stood dumbfounded. “Is there a problem with me sitting here?”

 

“N-no. Not at all.”

 

“Then we’re all good. Go ahead, Sensei. Teach,” Karma’s challenging eyes bore into the tiny teacher’s frame.

 

Nagisa looked over his shoulder and felt his heart thump loudly. He couldn’t believe how close they were; Karma was directly one seat behind him. Time had stopped and Nagisa was sure of it. Everyone in the classroom was nonexistent. It was the look that Karma gave that made Nagisa tremble, the look that isolated the two from the rest of the world; it was how Karma’s predatory eyes stared into his own bubbly ones. Nagisa felt naked. Nagisa quickly turned around and tried his best to calm his beating heart. The days were going to get a lot harder with Karma shooting lasers into Nagisa’s back.

  
  


“Class dismissed. It is now lunch time. I’ll see you all tomorrow! Have a nice day,” Kobayashi Sensei dismissed her class. Her students bowed to her as they slowly exited the class.

 

“Nagisa-kun!” Kayano stopped in front of her friend’s desk. “Want to go to the school store with me? I’ll pay this time,” she grinned while holding her wallet out proudly.

 

“A-are you sure?”

“Of course! Let’s go!” Kayano linked arms with her flustered friend.

 

“You go first. I’ll put my stuff away and meet you there, okay?”

 

“See you there!”

 

Nagisa sighed and turned to back to his partially cluttered desk. The next lecture was going to be math, a subject that wasn’t always his strong suit, yet still managed to fare well decently in. Nagisa stacked a few notebooks on top of each other and turned to stuff them in his backpack. He had to hurry. And then, he looked.

 

_E-eh? What is this… what is this feeling? Why am I like this?_

 

“Oi, Nagisa-kun,” the chilling, yet terribly smug voice cooed, “you kind of owe me, don’t you?” His mercury-gold eyes flashed towards Nagisa’s blue ones.

 

“K-Karma-kun,” Nagisa could feel his pigtails frizzing in a mixture of excitement and anxiety.

 

“The juice.”

 

“A-ah… that’s right,” Nagisa lightly slammed his fist against his other palm. “J-juice…” he frowned. _I guess Kayano-chan is going to have to eat without me…_ Karma sat pleasantly in his seat while crossing his arms behind his neck. “S-should we g-go?”

 

“Ready when you are, _Nagisa-kun_.”

 

Nagisa gestured for Karma to follow him, “c-come.”

 

They walked together down the noisy hall with Karma following behind Nagisa in noticeable indifference. Meanwhile, Nagisa’s insides were churning up a storm. His brain spat out questions like: _what is he doing here? Why is he talking to me? What do I say to him? Do I even have enough money? Of course I have enough money! What if I press the wrong button at the vending machine? He likes strawberry milk, right? How did he know my name? Oh yeah! Stupid! You told him your name. I feel so violated… take me home now. I want to go home. But, Karma-kun spoke to me. What am are you saying? Nagisa, you’re such an idiot! Stop this nonsense._

 

“Oi, Nagisa-kun.”

 

“E-eh?!” Nagisa jumped as they neared the back entrance to the school.

 

“What are you so nervous for?” Karma stared up at the ceiling with his arms still crossed behind his neck.

 

“N-nervous? W-what for? I-I’m not n-nervous!” Nagisa chuckled uneasily.

 

“But you’re stuttering,” Karma pointed out bluntly.

 

“W-what?! Karma-kun, you can’t just say that so easily!”

 

“But you’re blushing now. Your face is red. Shall I take a picture?”

 

“P-put that away!” Nagisa reached for Karma’s phone, but his attempts were futile. The height difference said it all. “Sheesh, Karma-kun. You’re really cruel, aren’t you?”

 

“This isn’t even the half of it.”

 

“You really are the worst.”

 

They arrived at the vending machine. Nagisa pushed a few coins into the coin slip. His hand reached for one strawberry milk and a can of juice. When he arrived at the bench that Karma had so kindly decided to sit on, Nagisa nudged the drink to Karma.

 

“Here,” he sat down at a reasonable distance from Karma. “T-thank you for the juice yesterday.” Karma didn’t say anything so Nagisa continued. “I hope we can be friends.”

 

Karma turned his head to Nagisa and his eyes widened. Nagisa’s eye smile was blinding. Despite the dangerous nature that Karma possessed, he supposed that it would be a good opportunity to at least try and make a friend.

 

**\---**

 

It had been a month since their third meeting and a lot had changed. Sometime during that month, Nagisa found out that he and Karma actually walked the same way, except Karma’s house was a little closer to the school that Nagisa’s. Kayano had also made sure to punish Nagisa for making her wait all lunch period without getting yakisoba bread. Eventually, Nagisa was able to make it up to her by giving her his dessert for three consecutive days. Kayano wasn’t called Ms. Pudding for no reason.

 

As for Karma and Nagisa’s relationship, the two grew closer and closer as they days went by. They even went to a movie together after Karma found out that they both like superhero movies. Nagisa had even visited Karma’s house a couple of times after school to study. Though, it was quite hard to get anything done with Karma’s constant teasing. Nagisa never mentioned his own house and Karma never asked. That’s where they were as friends.

 

As their friendship progressed, there was one night in particular where the mention of Nagisa’s home was brought up. They were having a sleepover at Karma’s house. It was in the dead of night and they had just finished watching a movie. As usual, Karma’s parents weren’t home; they were never home.

 

“Oi, Nagisa.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Why have you never invited me to your house before?”

 

Nagisa’s eyes widened. He was glad that his back was turned to Karma at the moment. Nagisa knew that Karma would eventually ask. And, he knew that he couldn’t keep Karma waiting either. It wouldn’t be fair to the latter after all they’ve been through so far.

 

“It’s hell.”

 

The response caused Karma to be a little taken aback. But, he laid silent, waiting for Nagisa to say something more. That was only if Nagisa would say anything more.

 

“It’s hell. I would never call that place my home,” Nagisa could feel the salty liquid prick at his waterline. “That’s why I’ve never invited you to my home,” he looked turned around and looked up to Karma with a pained smile that it placed a heavy feeling in Karma’s heart. “I don’t have a home to invite you to yet, Karma. I have no home.”

 

 _There’s no point in holding them back anymore,_ Nagisa thought shamefully. _If he’s going to see me, then he should at least see the other half of me. It wouldn’t be fair to him after all._

 

“Nagisa-”

 

“You don’t need to feel bad,” Nagisa sniffed and wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. “When I find a home, I’ll tell you. I promise,” Nagisa held out his pinky.

 

Karma sighed and reached out a hand to wipe a tear away from Nagisa’s precious eye. “You missed one.” He wrapped his pinky around Nagisa’s in response and smiled for the sake of his friend. The place where Karma’s hand touched burned like crazy on Nagisa’s skin.

 

“I-I have to go to the bathroom. Don’t wait for me to start the movie.”

 

“Ah, I got it,” Karma waved his hand and nestled himself in a bed of pillows.

 

Nagisa closed the door to the bathroom and locked it, feeling his cheeks burn like crazy. _What happened out there?_ He questioned himself and his own feelings. They were supposed to be friends and nothing more. Yet, how was Nagisa feeling this way? He promised himself that he wouldn’t think of Karma as anything more than a friend since the third time they met. He promised himself, yet he was so easily breaking that promise. Nagisa held his chest tightly as he slid against the bathroom door with a bright red face. Alone, in the bathroom, he sighed.

 

“It’d be okay if it was just me who knew though, right? Ne, Karma?” Nagisa hated crying, yet he was shedding tears so easily. Everything he was against doing, he so easily did. He was nothing more than a hypocrite.

 

_It wouldn’t be okay. At least not with me._

 

**\---**

 

The next school year, things had definitely changed. Kayano had reverted back to her original hair color, black, and undid her pigtails. Nagisa remained the same, which worried him in many ways. One of the physical attributes that worried him the most was his height and the possibility that he would never be able to grow again. Although Kayano would occasionally teased him about it, she would buy him sushi afterwards as an apology. At least, Nagisa could rely on one stable friendship where feelings were platonic and mutual.

 

On the other hand, Karma had gotten increasingly popular with the ladies in high school. Girls from all different grade levels would stop him in the hallway for a moment of small-talk. It made Nagisa feel disgusted. Not with them, but more with himself. Every time Nagisa and Karma would walk together in the hall during a free period or break, girls would come over and stop Karma, gradually pushing Nagisa away from the circle.

 

Karma and Nagisa still hung out the same amount, but it never felt the same anymore. Karma’s confidence had sure boosted in ways that were never really taken into consideration before. Karma wasn’t an eyesore; no, it was the exact opposite. Karma was still Karma, yet something seemed different in Nagisa’s eyes. It wasn’t the Karma that Nagisa could look at so comfortably anymore.

 

“He’s not mine to share. He was never mine to share. That’s why...” Nagisa said subconsciously with a downcast look, as he sat alone in an empty classroom.

 

“Oi, Nagisa! You heading back?” Karma stood at the doorway to the classroom with his bag slung over his shoulder. Over the year, Karma learned to adjust his way of speaking in regards to Nagisa’s home complex.

 

“Yeah, coming!”

 

As they walked down a new route, things remained silent for a while. Most students from Kunugigaoka moved up to another private high school in the same district. Karma and Nagisa were a part of that majority.

 

“Ne, Nagisa,” Karma called.

 

“Hm?”

 

“Okuda-san finally found the courage to ask me out today.”

 

“O-Okuda-san?” Nagisa’s eyes widened on the inside, but over the year, he managed to build up a facade to mask his true feelings: hurt, love… jealousy.

 

“Ah. It took her a while.”

 

“W-what did you say?”

 

“Nothing yet. Well, I told her that I’d think about it. I mean, I’ve got a lot of other girls who’d want to date me.”

 

“That’s a lot to take in.”

 

“Not really.”

 

“And why do you say that?”

 

“Because there’s no one that I really like. It’s just extra attention that I don’t really care for.”

 

“Is that so…”

 

“Ne, Nagisa, what would you do?”

 

 _What would I do? I wish I could answer you honestly._ “I would give it a try.” _No I wouldn’t. I’m lying, Karma. Can’t you tease me now of all times and tell me that it’s a joke? That this whole thing is a joke? That what I just said was a joke?_

 

“And what good would it do to give it a try?”

 

“You get to see the beauty in the other person, I suppose.”

 

“Eh? Tell me more. You’re really going deep today, Nagisa! I should have brought a camera to film this side of you!”

 

“You get to see how great the person is, how wonderful it is to have them around, how amazing life is when you get to see their face… how full your heart feels when you’re around them… how empty it is when you’re not. I think that’s why giving things a try is a good idea. My honest thoughts.”

 

“Eh?!  Amazing, Nagisa-kun. You really are amazing. You sound like you’ve been in love before! Have you? Who’s the girl?”

 

_Please. Stop this, Karma. It’s not a girl._

 

“Who is it?”

 

 _It’s you_. “No one. I just happened to read a lot of shoujo manga with Kayano when we were younger.”

 

“Really? That’s so cool!”

 

“It’s not. It’s torture.”

 

“Kayano-san’s really got you up in chains, doesn’t she?”

 

“She’s a monster.”

 

“A scary monster, I bet. That titless shorty is surely a savage.”

 

Nagisa shivered. At least, they weren’t talking about Karma’s love life anymore.

  
  


It had been several days since their talk about Okuda-san. Karma never reported back to Nagisa about it so Nagisa never asked. At the end of a long day in class, Nagisa sighed heavily and rubbed the back of his neck. He didn’t want to go back to that hellhole, nor did he want to stay in school. He wanted to go to Karma’s house; he wanted to see Karma.

 

But, he couldn’t.

 

Nagisa didn’t want Karma to disappear from him; he didn’t want some girl to randomly come and sweep Karma off his feet, take him away, and never return him. The only thing that stopped Nagisa’s thoughts from there was the fact that Karma was never his to begin with. Eventually, Karma would disappear from Nagisa’s life and Nagisa would be the only one left to wither. That was probably what he feared the most. But, as a good friend, Nagisa could never put this burdening fear on Karma’s shoulder. Day by day, Karma was moving on and so should Nagisa. But, what if Karma wanted to come back? If Nagisa weren’t there to hold him, then who would be there?

 

“Nagisa-kun,” the same succulent voice called.

 

“Karma?”

 

“Can I talk to you?”

 

“Sure…”

 

“Come with me.”

 

“Where-” Nagisa’s sentence was cut-off as he was pulled from his seat. They ended up at a nearby park. “Why here?”

 

“I said yes.”

 

The beating in Nagisa’s chest stopped. He felt as if he had been brutally stabbed in the chest, even though he had no right to. But, why would he feel such agonizing pain, even though he had no right to feel such emotions? _That’s right. It’s my fault. I told him to do it. I told him to try it._

 

“S-so you did…”

 

“I did, but I’m not sure if I made the right choice.”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“I mean, Okuda-san’s an old classmate and all, but I don’t really see her as…”

 

“A woman.”

 

Karma nodded his head once and slid one hand into his pocket. “I’m just really doubting my decision here.”

 

Nagisa sucked in his own feelings and smiled. This time, this smile was for Karma. “You should try it! Take her out on a date and see where things go. If you need any help, then…” Nagisa looked to the ground. He knew that if he finished the sentence, he’d be sacrificing his own feelings. “Then you can come to me.”

 

Karma laughed, resting an elbow on Nagisa’s shoulder. “Well, aren’t I lucky to have such a supportive friend, then?”

 

“You sure are.”

  
  


Ever since Karma and Okuda-san had started dating, a lot of the girls in the school began growing downcast. A lot of them were ready to resign from their positions as Karma-kun Stalkers. It was hard for them to watch their crush walk around with another girl, both of them smiling. It was a really difficult job to keep up with.

 

And, _boy_ , did Nagisa know.

 

Kayano grew busy with her club activities while Nagisa remained dormant. When he wasn’t hanging around with Karma and rarely ever with Kayano, he would spend his days in the library. On occasion, Karma would ask Nagisa to come over to hang out or have a sleepover. Nagisa didn’t want to go anymore; he didn’t want to accept those invitations anymore. But, he did anyway.

 

At school, if Karma wanted to hang out with Nagisa, he’d bring his girlfriend with him. Okuda-san: that pretty little girl with everything that Karma learned to like. Okuda-san: that wonderful little creature that Nagisa envied so much. Okuda-san: that one person who actually had the guts to tell Karma how she felt. Every time Karma would put an arm around the petite little girl, Nagisa felt his insides turn in the most sickening ways. Karma would hold her hand like Nagisa would want to hold his. And, when Okuda-san wasn’t available, Karma would go to Nagisa to talk about her.

 

It was too painful—all too painful.

 

**\---**

 

By the next year in high school, Nagisa had managed to finally escape from his hellhole.

 

“Yo, Nagisa.”

 

“Karma!”

 

“How is the move going? Do you need any help?”

 

“It’s going great. I talked my mom into splitting the rent money with me. My dad decided that he would pitch in as well. I can finally live freely without having to deal with that life anymore.”

 

“When your new place is up and running, make sure that I’m the first one you invite, okay?”

 

“O-okay.”

 

“See you later! Gotta go meet Okuda-san.”

 

There it was again: that similar feeling; that slump in Nagisa’s heart. Just as things were going great in terms of escaping his parent’s ongoing turmoil and his mother’s abuse/depression, he had to feel that slump in his heart again. Karma had to touch his heart again, over and over, until it was made loud and clear that there was one thing that Nagisa could never escape: the charm of Karma Akabane.

 

As Nagisa settled into his new apartment, which remained reasonably close to the school, he couldn’t help but look out his window. Karma’s house was closer too. At that moment, Nagisa wondered what Karma and Okuda were doing. Have they kissed before? Have they hugged? Probably. Multiple times, maybe. Have they talked about marriage and children yet?

 

“No… Karma wouldn’t be thinking that far ahead… he’s not like that…” Nagisa hugged his knees as he sat against the glass sliding door to the balcony. “He’s not like that, right? He can’t be.”

  
  


“Wow, this is your apartment, huh Nagisa? It’s so small! Like you!”

 

“Karma! That’s not nice!”

 

“I’ll spare you this time.”

 

“W-what? Why? Why all of a sudden?”

 

“I have good news to tell you,” Karma sat at the kotatsu.

 

“What is it?” Nagisa followed suit.

 

“Okuda-san kissed me today. On the cheek.”

 

“You sure sound like a gushing teenager…”

 

“I do not.”

 

“You do.”

 

“Really?” Karma sighed. “I don’t know what it is about her. I just… I’m just happy with her.”

 

 _And you’re not happy in that way with me?_ “I see.”

 

“Anyway, today’s Friday so let’s stay up late and watch a few movies?”

 

“You’re planning on staying over?”

 

“Why? Am I not allowed to?”

 

“No, it’s fine.”

 

“Great! Let me get the DVDs that I brought.”

 

_It’s not fine. It hurts. It hurts a lot, Karma. Can’t you see?_

 

“Nagisa! Come here and take a look at these! I need you to pass judgement.”

 

“I like the one that looks like it has a lot of guns in it.”

 

“Action/comedy it is!”

 

At the end of the movie, Nagisa yawned. He felt a weight on his right shoulder. He smiled knowingly. Karma had fallen asleep halfway through the movie. Karma was sleeping on Nagisa’s shoulder, not Okuda’s or anyone else’s. Karma was alone with Nagisa. Before, Nagisa never really treasured these moments in the same way because they were simply friends. There was no unrecruited one-sided love involved. Nagisa stroked Karma’s soft red hair; he always admired the latter’s natural shade of red hair. It was one of the characteristics that always struck Nagisa smitten. Times like these when Karma was not awake and not with Okuda made Nagisa undeniably happy.

 

“Karma, remember the time when I told you that I’d tell you when I found my home? I found it. I’ve actually found it a lot sooner than I expected… I just never had the right time to tell you.” With a deep breath, Nagisa smiled and kissed his best friend’s forehead.

 

“Karma Akabane, you’re my home.”

 

**\---**

 

When the Sun knocked on the city’s windows and tugged on its curtains, Nagisa rose from his place on the ground. Karma was gone. Nagisa shook his head and grabbed the folded notecard to the side of him. He frowned. The card had read that Karma left early to see Okuda, being that they had a planned date. Nagisa sighed heavily and resisted the urge to grumble. _At least stay for breakfast, you idiot_ , he thought. After a bowl of cold milk and cereal, Nagisa received a text message from Kayano, stating that she was going to come over at noon. Nagisa thought he could use the company.

 

“Nagisa! Open the door!” He could hear her voice call through the wood. “Woah! Did you just wake up? Did you even take a shower, though…” Kayano held her nose as she stood in front of a half-dead Nagisa.

 

“I was about to take a shower, but I forgot about it.”

 

“Go shower. Now. When you’re done, we’re going out.”

 

“Where?”

 

“You’ll see.”

 

“Why are you doing this,” Nagisa phrased his question more like a statement.

 

“You need to get out and I’m a curious person. Now hurry up and shower.”

 

After sitting in the shower for ten minutes, contemplating on how he felt about Karma after last night, Nagisa finally decided to clean himself up. He shouldn’t have kissed Karma, even if it was on the forehead. He took advantage of his friend and that makes him a terrible person. And, what about Okuda-san? How would she like it if she found out that her boyfriend was kissed by another person, especially if that person was a best friend and was a male. The thing that Nagisa worried the most about was the possibility that Karma heard everything and felt everything; that Karma wasn’t actually asleep.

 

The curiosity and fear was frying Nagisa’s brain. If Karma was awake, then their friendship was done for. Karma liked girls, not boys. Nagisa was a boy and a very confused one at that. When he stepped out of the shower, he tied his hair up into his signature pigtails. Maybe Kayano wasn’t going to be totally ridiculous today; she could possibly have something fun in store. The only thing that bothered Nagisa was that she coined herself as a curious person. From there, Nagisa began to doubt whatever she had in store for the rest of the day.

 

“You’re finally done. Took you long enough,” she stood from her seat on the futon.

 

“Glad you’re still here,” Nagisa rolled his eyes and placed his hands on his hips. “What are we doing today?”

 

“We’re going to stalk Manami and Karma-kun today! Doesn’t that sound fun? I managed to ask Manami where she was going to go on her date with Karma-kun today. I’m good, aren’t I?”

 

“I think that’s a bad idea.”

 

“Why?” Kayano’s arms fell from above her head.

 

“I just… I don’t think it would be fair to them, you know? They might want some privacy and what not.” _It wouldn’t be fair to me either_.

 

“Oh, come on. You’re such a buzzkill, Nagisa! It will be an adventure! I got all the tickets set up and whatever so you don’t need to worry about anything, you poor peasant.”

 

Nagisa narrowed his eyes. “I’m not poor.”

 

“You are, don’t lie.”

 

“I’m just not rich.”

 

“You’re getting closer.”

 

“I’m poor.”

 

“There we go.”

 

“You’re mean,” Nagisa pouted.

 

“And we’re leaving.”

 

“I don’t want to go, Kayano-chan.”

 

“You’re going.”

 

“Okay.”

  
  


“I think they’re over there,” Kayano points over to where two people sat down together by the window at a coffee shop.

 

“Why do you have binoculars?”

 

“It helps me see better.”

 

“You need help.”

 

“And you need to get out more.”

 

“I don’t-”

 

“Sh. They’re not looking right now. Put your hoodie on and we’ll go inside.”

 

“Why?”

 

“You’re so stupid sometimes, you know that?”

 

“And you’re really mean sometimes, you know that?”

 

“Nagisa!”

 

“Hoodie is on.”

 

Kayano motioned her hand to move forward, “let’s go.”

 

When they entered the coffee shop, Kayano and Nagisa sat at the next table from where the couple sat. Nagisa sat on the booth right behind Karma as Kayano faced Nagisa. She shoved spoonfuls of pudding into her mouth while Nagisa stirred his bitter coffee around in deep thought with his cheek resting on a closed fist. He was listening. He could hear almost everything that they were saying.

 

“Karma-kun! I got accepted to join a summer internship for a chemistry workshop at the University of Tokyo!”

 

“Really, Okuda-san?”

 

“Mm! It’s wonderful, isn’t it?”

 

“It really is, Okuda-san. I’m really proud of you.”

 

“I knew you’d be the most supportive of me… my mother and father want me to watch the house while they’re on a trip. I told them that I could do the internship at watch the house while they were gone, but they aren’t so excited for me.”

 

“Oh, that’s bothersome, isn’t it? Want me to help you out?”

 

“W-what do you mean?”

 

Nagisa could hear the clanking of a glass on the next table, which probably meant that Karma was leaning over the table. “I mean that I could stay with you over summer while you do your internship.”

 

“R-really? Y-you’d do that for me?”

 

Karma nodded his head and sat back in a laidback position.

 

“I’ll ask my parents!”

 

“No need.”

 

“W-what?”

 

“Tell them that you’re not doing your internship and that you’ll stay home. They’re not coming back until next school year starts, right? Right. So, you can do your internship while I watch the house.”

 

“Are you serious? Would you really do that for me?”

 

“Anything for you.”

 

“B-but… what about Nagisa-kun? Don’t you normally spend your summer vacation with him? You can’t just ditch him for me. I wouldn’t want that.”

 

Nagisa’s fingers stopped stirring the coffee spoon around. He could finally see his reflection in the black liquid of the bitter coffee. Kayano had stopped eating at the same time as well.

 

It took a while for Karma to respond. “It’ll be okay. Just for this summer he can live without me. I mean, he doesn’t need me _all the time_ and I don’t necessarily need him. I think he’ll understand our situation. Plus, he’s been acting so weird these days… he gets so quiet and zones out. It takes me a while to gather his attention.”

 

“Really? I’ve never noticed anything off about Nagisa-kun these days… is he feeling well? Maybe he’s sick?”

 

“Maybe he is sick. I don’t know. I can’t necessarily go back and check on him now, you know? Wouldn’t want to leave you anyway. He’ll be fine. Maybe giving him a summer to breathe would help him clear his head.”

 

“I suppose…”

 

Nagisa grabbed his coffee mug, taking a sip of his black coffee. He placed the spoon back down on a napkin and stood up, shoving his hands into his pockets. Kayano followed carefully behind, her face contorting into a look of worry.

 

“N-Nagisa,” she called quietly with a softer voice. “Nagisa, wait. Are you alright?”

 

Nagisa couldn’t hear her. Karma’s words played so loudly in his ears that he couldn’t hear her; he couldn’t hear anything.

 

_“He doesn’t need me all the time and I don’t necessarily need him.”_

 

_“He’s been acting so weird these days.”_

 

_“Just for this summer he can live without me.”_

 

If Nagisa thought that his mother’s words were abusive, then he was surely naive because Karma’s words hurt a thousand, a million times worse than anything he’s ever heard.

 

“Nagisa! Wait! Stop walking so fast! Are you okay? Is it what Karma said? Ignore him, he didn’t mean it like. I’m sure of it. He really didn’t. He was just saying that to make Manami feel better. He’s your best friend. He would never mean it like that. Nagisa! Wait!”

 

Nagisa couldn’t even cry. He was still in so much shock that he couldn’t even will himself to cry. He wanted to go home, curl himself into a ball under all his blankets, and just die all together. The thing that pained him even more was that he would never be able to come out of his closet and tell Karma all about the spectacular journey of falling in love with him. Karma was too far in love with Okuda-san that it would be impossible for Nagisa’s feelings to get through. Nagisa would never be able to look at Karma in the way his heart tells him to.

 

It hurt like a bitch. Everything.

 

On the way home, Nagisa remained silent. He hung his head low and sat still for the entire duration of the ride. Kayano, at the beginning, tried to start a conversation, only to be completely ignored by her heartbroken friend.

 

“Nagisa-” Kayano started, but Nagisa closed the door before she could even finish her sentence. She stood in front of his door for a few more minutes until she decided to go home.

 

Alone, in his living room, Nagisa sat on his futon and hugged his knees. The afternoon Sun was too bright so he closed all his curtains before returning to his pitiful seat on the futon. His heart was shattered by his best friend. Nagisa could finally cry in the safety of his new apartment. He was given the option to sob his heart out, but he couldn’t. Instead, he tucked his head into comfort of his knees and felt a single tear roll quietly down his face.

 

“Can I end this now?”

  
  


A few weeks past and things only got worse. Nagisa skipped two days of school and returned the same week with only one form of defense: ignore everyone and anyone who tried to talk to him, which included his two best friends, Karma and Kayano. After multiple attempts at trying to get a single word out of Nagisa, Karma was at a loss of what to do. Kayano, being the more knowledgeable one about the situation, tried to make Nagisa’s life a little more easier by luring Karma away from the unstable Nagisa Shiota.

 

This continued for a couple more weeks until Karma had enough of his best friend’s absurd behavior. After a couple of days of just watching Nagisa, Karma found that the latter would scurry home immediately after the bell rang without a word. The only thing that Karma had to do was get to Nagisa’s home before Nagisa did. After the final bell rang, Nagisa walked home with the same stale look on his face. He noticed that he stopped sighing so much. He stopped smiling as well. He was miserable.

 

Nagisa climbed up to the second story of his small apartment complex and stopped. The person he wanted to see the least was standing at his door, waiting. Waiting for what, though? The only thing that Nagisa could think of was running. He turned on his heels and ran for it. Karma, by default, ran after him, but when he got to the bottom floor, Nagisa was gone. Hiding behind a brick wall, Nagisa could hear Karma sigh and groan in disappointment. Karma walked around with his hands on his hips, clearly in frustration. However, knowing the type of person Karma was, Nagisa knew that Karma would wait him out until nightfall.

 

The only place that Nagisa could go to was the store or Kayano’s. He opted to go to the store. Grocery shopping was probably the smartest choice, since he wasn’t eating anything other than rice balls for the past several weeks. The only problem was that Karma would be waiting there at his doorstep.

  
  


It was nine o’clock and Karma was still there, except the ginger fell asleep against the wall. Nagisa quietly tiptoed towards his apartment, not wanting to awaken the sleeping beauty. The moment Nagisa unlocked his door, Karma’s eye widened. Karma missed his chance again. By the time he could reach for Nagisa, Nagisa was already inside with his door locked. Somehow, though, Karma looked in his hands and smiled because not all hope was lost. Before Nagisa closed his door, he left a carton of strawberry milk in Karma’s hands. Tomorrow, Karma would try again and again until he had Nagisa right where he wants him.

  
  


After multiple attempts at trying to talk to Nagisa, Karma finally developed his genius plan: he would catch Nagisa on the weekend.

 

On a Saturday morning, Nagisa opened his door to receive his delivery of milk. His eyes widened.

 

“Nagisa, I-”

 

“Give me my milk.”

 

“No, not until you explain to me why you’re ignoring me.”

 

“Have it,” Nagisa turned around. The cold tone of Nagisa’s voice left Karma in shock. Nagisa closed his door on Karma with no remorse. In the inside of his apartment, he slid down the front door and waited with his head hung low.

 

“I’m sorry. I give up.”

 

Nagisa could hear the clanking of milk bottles being put down. That was when Nagisa realized that Karma left; that their friendship was probably done for; that it was all his fault. If Nagisa had listened to Kayano and let Karma explain what he really meant, then the situation would have never come to this. A few moments later, Nagisa opened his door to collect his milk, half expecting Karma to be outside again. Karma wasn’t there, but his milk was.

 

On the weekends, Nagisa couldn’t call Karma up to play video games, watch movies, or just chat. Now, Nagisa stuck to sleeping in, letting the tv run while he remained invested in his thoughts, or just staring up at the ceiling. He was alone. Karma wasn’t there to brighten up his day anymore. Even though the Sun was shining so brilliantly, his days were getting darker and darker all because of one person missing from his life.

 

And, the saddest part is that Nagisa pushed away the one person he held so dearly to his heart.

  
  


After dinner, Nagisa decided to throw his trash away. He couldn’t let his house turn into a dumpster. It was dark out; everyone was in their homes. Nagisa threw his trash into the public disposal cans and turned back to head inside. What surprised him when he arrived on the second floor was the presence of Karma once again.

 

“Don’t run. Not again. Please.”

 

“What are you doing here? I thought you gave up.”

 

“Why are you doing this, Nagisa? What did I do to fuck up our friendship so badly?”

 

 _It was not entirely you. It was me as well_.

 

“I don’t want to speak to you. Can you move so I can go inside?”

 

“I’m not moving, not until you explain to me why you’re ignoring me and everyone else. What’s been going on with you these days? I really don’t understand.”

 

“I said leave.”

 

“I said no.”

 

“Karma-”

 

“Do you know how worried I’ve been? I thought you were dying of an illness or something or that you hated me or whatever.”

 

_I don’t hate you. I can never hate you._

 

“It’s not like you care.”

 

Karma’s face contorted, “what? What do you mean it’s not like I care?”

 

“I mean, honestly,” Nagisa scoffed with a provoking smile, “have you ever really sincerely given a shit about me? You don’t need me. And it seems like you think I don’t need you. I can live without you for this summer and every other summer. I can act the way I want to. Why should I care if you think I’m acting weird? Why do _you_ care is the question. I don’t know why you think it’s okay for you to just come into my life, befriend me, and then talk about your stupid girlfriend all the time.”

 

If Nagisa’s ever given a mouthful, this would be the most he’s ever said. Now, he could say it all because Karma was there with such an annoyingly confused face. Nagisa wanted Karma to get mad at him, to yell at him, to tell him that everything was going to be okay.

 

“What are you-” Karma stopped mid-sentence, thinking back to that time when he said those exact same words to Okuda at the coffee shop. That was when everything clicked into place. “You were there. Weren’t you? You heard me. You heard me saying those things, didn’t you?”

 

“Yeah. I was. I don’t even care anyway so just go to your little girlfriend like you always do.”

 

Karma lunged forward, grabbing Nagisa by the collar and shoved him up against the wall. “Don’t act like that! You were there. You heard everything. Why were you even there? Were you following me because I left you in the morning? What? I didn’t stay for breakfast or something? Is this what it’s all about?”

 

Nagisa shook his head and laughed, “you don’t get it do you? It was Kayano’s idea to follow you guys. My big mistake was that I followed her.”

 

“What are you even… do you even care about our relationship? Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean those words in the way you think I did.”

 

“Then what did you really mean?”

 

Karma’s grip loosened as he eyes fell to the floor, “I wanted to make Okuda-san more comfortable with the idea that I would help her during the summer. She knows how much you mean to me as a friend… she would feel bad if I didn’t say it.”

 

“Is that all I am to you? A friend?”

 

Karma looked up with his eyebrows furrowed, “what more could you mean to me other than a friend?”

 

Everything came to a pause. The words were waiting to be picked and recited. None of them were willing to recite them, though.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. And to be honest, I don’t really think I want to know. So just go. Go home or go to your girlfriend… I don’t care. I just can’t live like this anymore. Goodbye, Karma.”

 

The tears were so evil; they were threatening to break free. Karma hid his face from Nagisa with one question in mind.

 

“Can I ask you a question?”

 

“What?”

 

“Have you ever loved me? As something more than a friend, I mean.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

Those final words marked the hiatus of a beautiful friendship. Nagisa broke from Karma’s hold as he slammed his apartment door in fury and heartbreak. By next year, everyone would have different classes. Karma would most likely be moved up to Class A while nagisa might remain in Class D or be demoted to Class E. Nagisa didn’t care anymore. He lost the one thing he wanted to hold onto. The only thing that Nagisa knew for certain was that his heart would ache when summer came.

 

**\---**

 

As Nagisa predicted, by the next school year, Karma was promoted to Class A. Nagisa, on the other hand, had tested better than he expected, making it to Class B. Over the summer, he spent his days pining. One day, his father recommended that Nagisa should go and tutor children at a local daycare center. Interacting with the kids acted as some sort of therapy for Nagisa’s broken heart. He decided that he would work towards his goal of becoming a teacher.

 

Karma never left his heart, but with a new goal in mind, Nagisa forced his memories with Karma into a vault. The vault was pushed into the deep-end of the pool where it sunk lower and lower on each passing day. Nagisa was learning: he was learning how to get by without wanting to see Karma; he was learning to break the habit of buying a strawberry milk carton for Karma before he went to school; he was learning to forget about Karma.

 

Soon enough, he passed through high school; he was ready to move onto college to get his degree in teaching. With decent marks on his entrance exams, he was able to get into Tokyo University. Nagisa’s father and mother helped with paying for tuition. Luckily, Nagisa found an apartment that was in the vicinity of the school. Kayano went to a different university, but they still kept in touch. The starting college life was refreshing and scary at the same time. Often times, Nagisa would get lost because the campus was so huge. He made a few friends who took the same classes as him. Things were getting better.

 

However, sometimes, his body would betray him whenever he sat alone in his living room. During his first week, Nagisa found himself sobbing into his knees on his futon. The memories of Karma were too overwhelming. He could still feel the same pain that he felt back in high school. There were times where he thought that waiting wasn't worth it anymore. By the next morning, Nagisa cleaned himself up and got ready to attend his morning classes. There was no point in crying over a man who was long gone from the picture. At least, that was what he thought.  

 

The fourth time Nagisa and Karma met was when Nagisa was invited to a film club gathering. New students were recruited for different clubs and Nagisa was one of those students.

 

“Nagisa-kun! Over here!” One of the students called from behind a rice paper door. Nagisa could tell that there was going to be a lot of people at the gathering.

 

“Tomiko-san, I’m here. You must’ve worked hard to get all these people here…”

 

“It’s no big deal. The senpais did a lot of work too.”

 

“Really? That’s ama-” the world around Nagisa froze. There, two people with a shared past stared at each other.

 

“Nagisa-kun,” Karma called so sweetly and naturally. He whispered more to himself, “Nagisa…”

 

Tomiko looked at Nagisa and back to Karma in confusion, calling the question: “do you two know each other?”

 

Nagisa didn’t know whether or not he should lie. “We went to junior high and high school together.”

 

“Oh, really? Were you guys close?” Tomiko clapped her hands and smiled.

 

“It doesn’t really matter, does it?”

 

“Of course it matters!”

 

“Tomiko, Rikka senpai is calling you,” another boy interrupted, saving Nagisa in the process.

 

“Oh! I think she might need help with distributing the liquor,” Tomiko cackled. I’ll catch you later, Nagisa-kun.”

 

“You too.”

 

“Nagisa,” Karma called.

 

“How have you been?” Nagisa smiled fakely. Karma looked the same from when they were younger, except he looked like he got taller. Karma, the beautiful being he was, hadn’t changed a bit. Nagisa, on the other hand, did.

 

“You cut your hair.”

 

“I did.”

 

“It looks… great, actually. Never thought anything would suit you more than your pigtails,” Karma laughed uneasily. Nagisa could tell that the situation was becoming increasingly awkward.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Karma, I don’t like this environment…” a nervous voice spoke from behind the ginger. That was when Karma’s eyes widened. “Oh! Nagisa-kun! You’re here,” Okuda clapped happily.

 

“Okuda-san, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

 

“It has, it really has!”

 

“I see that you’ve improved on your speech quite a bit.”

 

“I have! How have you been? When you and Karma stopped being friends, Karma was so devastated oh my gosh. Are you okay after all these years?”

 

“Manami… you don’t need to talk about that,” Karma murmured with his head hung low.

 

“Oh? Oh… I’m sorry,” she giggled and clung to her long-term boyfriend’s arm.

 

“I see that you two are still together.” Nagisa felt so disgusted with himself. He didn’t want to smile; he wanted to spit on the two of them.

 

“Yeah! It’s been great! Karma is such a lovely boyfriend. He takes really good care of me.”

 

“I’m glad,” Nagisa smiled and stood from his seat on the cushion. “If you excuse me, I’m going to be heading home. I’ve got some things to do for my classes. Hope you have a nice evening.”

 

“I’ll see you out,” Karma looked up quickly.

 

“No need.”

 

“Oh, come on. You two should definitely chat a little. I’ll just wait here for a little.”

 

“There’s really no need-”

 

“I’ll walk you out,” Karma sprang from his seat and ushered Nagisa out of the building. When they got outside, Karma grabbed Nagisa’s wrist. “Hey.”

 

“Can you let go of me? We spoke for the first time in a few years… I’d like to keep my distance.”

 

“Nagisa, don’t be like that. Please. You know, it was really hard on me too.”

 

Hearing Karma’s voice quiver was like a trigger for an opening to portal into a new dimension. Nagisa never thought of how Karma was coping after all these years. “I just…”

 

“I just want to catch up. We don’t have to be great friends again, but I don’t want to be strangers either. You go to Tokyo University, right?” Nagisa nodded. “Then we should totally hang out and what not. How about that, Nagisa?”

 

“Karma-kun, I don’t-” Nagisa looked at the desperate look on Karma’s face and sighed, knowing that he had to admit defeat. “Come by my house on Saturday this week. Here’s the address,” Nagisa texted Karma’s number. “Oh wait, you probably changed your number.” It was too late; Nagisa sent the text, but the little notification coming from Karma’s phone was surprising. “You… didn’t change your number?”

 

“Just in case you would call me,” Karma smiled, towering over Nagisa like he normally did.

 

“I’ll see you later.”

 

“You too!” Nagisa shoved his hands into his jacket’s pockets and started making his way down to a nearby bus stop. “Nagisa-kun!” Karma called. “Thank you!” Nagisa’s body betrayed him again. A smile decorated his face, his first real smile in a very long time.

 

When Nagisa got home, he couldn’t help but feel nothing but giddy. His heart was pounding louder than he expected it would be and his stomach continuously bred butterflies. The man that Nagisa thought he had lost was returned to him. And, this time, Nagisa was sure to grab hold of Karma, even if they could only be friends. A life with Karma as a friend is better than a life with no Karma at all.

  
  


Eventually, Saturday came around. Nagisa was busy working on an assignment for his psychology class. The doorbell rang. With a groan, Nagisa stomped towards the door, wondering who the hell was showing up at nine in the morning. _Whoever is knocking is going to hear from me_. When he opened the door, he bit his tongue. Karma stood still, holding a bag of goodies with a slightly surprised face: his mouth was shaped like an “o” and his eyebrows were slightly raised.

 

“Karma-kun.”

 

“N-Nagisa-kun…”

 

“You actually came.”

 

“Well, yeah, I did. You gave me the opportunity to. I’m sorry if I came too early, but you never specified.”

 

“Oh, yeah, don’t worry about it. I was just working on something for a psychology class.”

 

“Oh, I see…”

 

“Do you want to come in?”

 

“S-sure.”

 

Nagisa opened his door wider while Karma took off his shoes. Karma’s eyes scanned the room. The whole place smelt like Nagisa, a scent that he missed terribly. Nagisa’s home was simple, modest; it wasn’t too flashy with grand furniture or too baren.

 

“So this is your new home…” Karma nodded his head in approval.

 

“Apartment. It’s my new apartment,” Nagisa corrected. It took a few seconds for Karma to register the meaning behind Nagisa’s words.

 

“Right. Apartment.”

 

“Have you eaten anything yet? I will go make us some tea.”

 

“I was in a rush to get here…” Karma smiled sheepishly.

 

“Does an omelet sound good?”

 

“It sounds wonderful. Thank you.”

 

Nagisa turned to whip something up in the kitchen. While he chopped the vegetables up, he unconsciously found himself thinking about Karma, loathing how formal and distant they were to each other. Back in high school, they used to be so close and so casual with one another. It used to only take Karma two words for Nagisa to know that Karma was coming over to his house. Now, Nagisa didn't know what Karma was thinking anymore and the same could be said for Karma. As the pan sizzled, Nagisa felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist.

 

“I'm so sorry.” Nagisa’s eyes widened in shock. Karma’s faced was nestled in the curve of Nagisa’s neck. “I'm so sorry, Nagisa. I should have been more understanding back in high school. I was a real dick. I'm sorry. After you cut ties, I didn't know how much I actually needed you in my life. I'm sorry.”

 

“Karma-kun…”

 

“No, don't say my name like that. Say it the way you used to say it. I hate these honorifics and I hate how you drifted so far away. I wish I could redo everything.”

 

Nagisa stared at his burning creation with fixed eyes. “Then would you have stayed by my side?” Nagisa could feel Karma raise his head a little higher. “Would you have accepted my feelings?”

 

It took a while for Karma to come up with a response, “I don't know.”

 

“You still know, right? How I feel.”

 

Karma nodded his head against Nagisa’s shoulder. “Give me some time. I will give you my answer to your question.”

 

Nagisa smiled in content. Even though Karma didn't have the answers with him now, it was good enough to know that at least he would go through some thorough consideration for a potential romantic relationship.

 

“You grew taller, Nagisa,” Karma grinned against the warm skin of Nagisa’s shoulder.

 

“I could say the same for you, Karma.”

 

“You know that you burnt the eggs, right?”

 

“I wouldn't have done it if you would just wait until I finished cooking.”

 

“But it wouldn't have been as dramatic, don't you agree? Plus, I'm one-hundred-percent positive that we both couldn't wait any longer.”

 

Nagisa felt his cheeks burn and his lips twitch into a smile. “These are all the eggs I have left,” he pointed to the black lumps of egg on the pan.

 

“It’s okay, we can go shopping together,” Karma grabbed Nagisa’s free hand and held out their intertwined fingers in front for Nagisa to see.

 

“Mm!” Nagisa’s eyes morphed into crescents while his heart sung with joy.

  
  


“Karma! You can't play around on the shopping cart! You never change, do you?” Nagisa laughed from behind. Karma nearly ran into another shopper, but managed to skillfully avoid the collision. Nagisa winced from the curses of the passing shoppers while Karma laughed his head off like a maniac. “Karma! You almost killed two people!”

 

“We are going to get my strawberry milk!”

 

“We will get it after. You don't want the milk to spoil, don't you?”

 

“I can't hear you!”

 

“Karma! No! Come back! And… He's gone. Great.” Nagisa crossed his arms and began planning ways to end Akabane Karma. Karma had successfully rode away on a shopping cart, probably killing four people in process and it was Nagisa’s fault for letting the 21-year-old run free in a grocery store. Some things were only cut out for sophisticated adults like Shiota Nagisa himself.

 

Nagisa walked along the aisles full of produce. He needed to start eating healthier, instead of constantly eating instant noodles all the time. Now that Karma was back into the picture, Nagisa needed to step up his game. He figured that Karma would be coming around more often and knowing Karma, he would just drink strawberry milk cartons all day long if his diet weren't monitored properly. Nagisa picked through the harvest of many vegetables. He discovered that kale would be a great addition to his diet. Kale and broccoli. Two of the things that Karma hated the most besides tomatoes.

 

He heard the sound of a girl laughing. Out of the corner of his eyes, the girl wore glasses. She was holding onto another man’s arm as they strolled along the same aisle as Nagisa. They were a giggling mess. Her boyfriend seemed to be whispering corny words into her ears, as she continuously laughed at them, smacking his arm every now and then out of embarrassment. They were cute and he envied them. At first, Nagisa didn't think much of it, but he soon began to grow curious. He decided to listen more.

 

“Manami, you sure are the cutest ever, aren't you?”

 

“Oh, stop it you!”

 

Nagisa stopped feeling the fruit. His bag dropped to the ground when he realized what nasty games were being played behind Karma’s back. Nagisa’s eye twitched as he raised his head, eyes trained on the moving couple. He nearly choked on his own breath when he saw Karma standing before Okuda and her _other_ boyfriend. Karma’s head was low. His bangs were covering his eyes, but Nagisa knew he was hurting like a bitch. _Karma, turn around. Get out of there. You'll only hurt even worse._

 

“K-Karma. W-what are you doing here?” Okuda’s eyes widened as she quickly detached herself from her other boyfriend’s arm.

 

“No. The question is: what are _you_ doing _here_ with _him_?”

 

“Karma, I can explain.”

 

“Are you trying to say that you're not cheating on me, right here, right now?”

 

“Karma-”

 

“I spent. My whole entire high school. With you. I went into college. With you. And this is what I get. I broke… I broke my best friend’s heart because of you. Everything. All I did was for you. A fucking lying, cheating witch like you.”

 

Nagisa ran. He ran like his life depended on it and grabbed Karma’s arm. “Karma, let's go.”

 

“Nagisa-kun, y-you’re here too?”

 

“Okuda-San, I'm really disappointed in you. How could you?” Nagisa glared at the shaking girl. Her lover stood silent. He seemed fearful and awkward, having no place in the conversation at all. “Karma, let's go.” Nagisa tugged on Karma’s sleeve with empathetic eyes.

 

“Karma, wait. I-” Okuda felt her heart drop.

 

The last three seconds were a blur in Nagisa’s eyes. He couldn't believe that his first kiss would be one triggered by rage and hurt. He didn't want this. Karma’s lips against Nagisa's were so full of anger. Nagisa couldn't breathe; it was like he was suffocating underneath Karma's possession. He wanted Karma to let go. He wanted his first kiss to be one influenced by love, not hatred. Nagisa squirmed under Karma’s forced embrace. Everything was starting to hurt all over again. When Karma finally had let go, he realized what he had just done.

 

He looked down and saw the tears prickling Nagisa’s eyes. He forgot about Okuda and her boyfriend. He didn't care anymore. What hurt even more now was the look of betrayal on Nagisa’s face. He had used Nagisa. He had used Nagisa to throw a big “fuck you” to his ex-girlfriend. He had kissed Nagisa for the first time and it wasn’t sincere. He practically mouth-raped his childhood best friend. Now, _that_ realization hurt like a bitch. “Nagisa, wait-”

 

The frail boy was running already. He ran away. Suddenly, Karma felt like the only loser in the grocery store. He felt like the dirtiest person of them all. Suddenly, Karma began to realize that the only monster lurking in the dark was his own shadow. So, he ran. He ran and chased after the boy who befriended him, the boy who was there for him, the boy who loved him. He ran and ran until his lungs gave out and his heart was already beating twice as fast as it really should. Still, Nagisa was nowhere to be found. It was like a repeat of high school again. And, just like in high school, it was all Karma’s fault, all of it.

 

**\---**

 

The weeks passed by as Karma began to drown himself in alcohol. He stood before Nagisa’s door with his eyes barely open. He pounded on the door, shouting for Nagisa to come out. When the door opened, Nagisa let his drunken friend inside without a second thought. He struggled to pull the heavier and taller Karma inside his house and ended up falling to the floor with Karma in s tangled limbs mess. Nagisa shook his head and shook Karma’s arm. Karma groaned and looked at Nagisa with droopy eyes. He threw his head back in laughter and slapped his stomach.

 

“Oh? Would you look at that! It's Shiota Nagisa, my best buddy from junior high school! What are you doing here?” Karma slurred with his eyes in pseudo-crescents.

 

“This is my house. I live here. That's what I'm doing here.”

 

“Oh? Oh! That's right. I came to your house. Sorry, sorry. Hm? But why did I come here. I have no reason to come here. You know why I came here? I came here because this was the only place that I could come to without getting kicked out and spat on, haha. You're a good friend. Plus you like me so I figured that you would let me in regardless.”

 

“Karma why are you so drunk. You reek of alcohol. Why don't you shower and then get some sleep?” Nagisa ignored the half-ass mention of his feelings for Karma. “Come on.”

 

“No! I'm not moving. No moving for me. I don't walk. That's why I crawled all the way over here. You know, I feel really sick. I felt sick ever since I found out that Okuda cheated on me. Haha. Jokes on me, I picked the wrong girl. Oi, Nagisa, do you ever feel like you just want to give up and end your life?”

 

Nagisa felt the hairs on his arm rise. He grew into deep suspicion. Karma had disappeared for a long time without any words said. _He couldn't have…_ “Karma, did you try killing yourself?”

 

“I'm not dead, am I? Ugh, I feel really sick.”

 

“Answer the damn question!”

 

“I may or may not have dabbled in the great art of drugs. Don't do drugs, kids.”

 

Nagisa couldn't believe it. The strong, determined leader that Nagisa knew Karma was had tried to kill himself over something so petty. Nagisa felt anger bubble down from the pit of his stomach. He couldn't take it anymore. All these years of pent-up and suppressed rage were finally coming out of his system. The thought that scared Nagisa the most was the possibility of Karma actually dying, his body limp like a ragdoll on the floor of some motel room with pills and syringes full of meth and heroin. Nagisa could see all the bottles of hard liquor and beer lying naked on the floor, cracking while Karma painfully rolled in them. What if, _what if_ Karma died. Nagisa didn't know what he would do.

 

“You drunken asshole.” Tears were dripping off of Nagisa’s chin, fear and shock still wracking his body up, fucking him up in places he never knew existed. “You fucking asshole!” He screamed, knocking the alcohol right out of Karma’s system. “I waited for you for so long after all that has happened. I was hurt for so long. I loved you since junior high school, Karma! And no matter how hurt I was, I never gave up. I never lost sight of what I loved most, even if I tried so hard to forget you and forget my pain. But you, you idiot! After one thing goes wrong in your life, you cry like a baby and get drunk like the stupid idiot you are! How does that make me feel? How does it make _you_ feel. You idiot. Stupid! Sometimes I wish I never loved you in the first place because of what you put me through. But I can't help it. I can't stop. That's what you do to me, Karma. Are you listening? Do you hear me? I could do… So much more for you than that Okuda you think you love so much. So much more… And even if you don't love me back, I will always love  you so don't you dare try to fall apart on me now. Pick yourself up and act the way you were made to be. Be the Akabane Karma I know, not some shallow drunk prick who comes to their best friend’s house on the weekend when they're trying to study for finals.”

 

“Nagisa-” Karma started with wide eyes.

 

“Get out.”

 

“Nagisa, I want to-”

 

“Get out of my house and go cry somewhere else. I have actual work to do now get out.”

 

Karma stumbled out of Nagisa’s apartment, feeling half nauseous and half sober. He wanted to puke out all the shit he was putting into his body for the past several weeks. His stomach probably looked like some kind of WW2 war zone with dead bodies and burning debris everywhere. He had to get to a bathroom and quick. After tumbling into the elevator, he managed to find a public bathroom nearby Nagisa’s apartment complex. He threw up a shit load of crap; it was disgusting. When he looked into mirror after washing his face, he saw dark circles and a ghostly pale complexion. He looked wrecked. He looked as if he were surviving off of two hours of sleep per night. _How did it come to this?_

 

Tokyo was a vibrant city filled with lights and big screens. Karma walked the streets alone without a clue of what to do next. He felt empty. Even though the alcohol was still in his system, he felt deadly sober. He was sick of liquor. Thinking about his past actions, Karma felt like the idiot that Nagisa said he was. Nagisa wasn't proud. Karma wasn't proud either. Karma needed a resolution, but he didn't know what. He thought of Okuda and saw nothing. Everything went blank. His love for her had died long ago.

 

After finding a bench to sit on in the park, he groaned and massaged his temples. It was time to be honest with himself. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to submit to all truths that laid within his heart. When he saw Okuda with her other boyfriend, he was relieved. It was an evil thing to feel, but he felt it nonetheless. A weight had been lifted off his shoulders; he was free. After the long hiatus in his friendship with Nagisa had begun, he began to lose all sense of feeling. He felt bad for Okuda who had constantly been trying to get him back on his feet in an emotional sentiment. He had failed Okuda as a dutiful boyfriend, which probably caused her to go find someone new and better, someone who could respond to her needs.

 

After trying to hook up with countless prostitutes the week before, he failed in doing so. Before things got too serious, he pushed them away and gave them their money. He couldn't kiss a girl without feeling disgusted, without feeling as if he betrayed someone. Nothing felt _right_ anymore. The blood stopped circulating to his fingers and his toes so when he tried to touch someone, he felt numb.

 

Even after drinking mountains of bottles of hard liquor, Karma couldn't seem to fill his stomach and drench his heart in poison. He couldn't subdue the constant pain, the constant reminder, that there was someone he had loved all along; he was just too blind to see it. There were some days where he contemplated on killing himself through the use of drugs. Maybe he could overdose and end it all. Then, that reminder, that thorn in his thumb, always seemed to talk him out of doing so. The thorn always said, _“you still have a rose to take care of. Now do it.”_ As Karma sat on the bench, clearly provoked by all his demons, he saw small little drops of liquid hit the ground. He smiled miserably.

 

It was only then did he realize how madly in love he was with Shiota Nagisa, the boy who had been waiting for him for eons.

 

For the last several years, Karma had been the one fucking things up. He had been the one pulling the heartstrings. Now, it was the time to set things right; it was the time to make Shiota Nagisa the happiest human on the planet. _In order to fix things up with him, I need to fix myself up first._ Karma sighed and stood up. He had found his resolution.

 

**\---**

 

Finals were finally over for Nagisa as he sat tiredly at his desk. Last night, he had finished a final paper for his sociology class. He was so thankful to have gotten a chair cushion that would not make his ass ache like crazy. The semester was finally over and he was able to finally get some time to himself. He figured that he would read several books during the break and finally try to get out and do something with his life. It had been two months since Nagisa had last seen Karma. He missed the redhead like crazy, but as time went by, Nagisa grew more and more independent. He was happy that his confidence was increasing with or without Karma.

 

The doorbell rang. Now, Nagisa could walk with a skip in his step without feeling overly depressed and tired like he used to. The doorbell was ringing like a bullet on ricochet. “Coming!” He opened the door. “Karma,” Nagisa breathed out. This was the fifth time they had met. Karma looked refreshed, rejuvenated. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Your question. I have an answer,” Karma panted as if he ran all 15 flights of stairs, just to get to Nagisa’s apartment because the elevator was not fast enough. “Yes.”

 

“I don’t under-”

 

“Yes, Nagisa, yes. Back then and even now. Yes. I was an idiot for not recognizing how much I was in love with you. No matter how gross and cheesy I am now, I don't care because I love you, Shiota Nagisa. With all my heart and soul and body and kale and broccoli too,” Karma confessed with an open-mouthed smile.

 

Tears rolled down the curve of Nagisa’s cheek. The Karma that Nagisa knew several years back would gag at the thought of saying the three special words. The Karma Nagisa knew yesterday was a confused drunkard who smelt like the embodiment of a disease. The Karma that Nagisa saw today was brilliant, radiant with everything beautiful in this planet. With all honestly, Nagisa was glad that he waited all this time because it meant that he was able to watch Karma grow as a person. Nagisa chuckled, “you forgot the tomatoes too.”

 

“I would never forget the tomatoes because _God_ those things taste like utter shit.”

 

“Come here,” Nagisa circled his arms around Karma’s neck. Karma spun Nagisa around in the middle of the hallway, kissing his beloved with all his soul and might. Nagisa knew where he belonged. After a long while of searching, Karma figured out where he belonged too. It was right in the kokoro of Shiota Nagisa, the boy who waited the longest and still got his happy ending.

 

_Nagisa?_

 

_Yeah?_

 

_Thanks for not forgetting._

 

_About what, Karma?_

 

_About me._

**Author's Note:**

> Im done. You all have the right to raise ur pitchforks and light your torches at me. #ShotsFired  
> I'm just as freaking sadistic as Hajimama so pls.


End file.
